It's Friday… It's 5 to 2 and it's Music in Room

Without the steadying influence of Mrs Harvey at the helm, the music lesson had rapidly turned into an extended lunch break. Normally by now the lads would be gazing with testosterone laced eyeballs at her legs as she perched delicately on the edge of the desk explaining the difference between a quaver and a metronome. Her ability to cross and uncross her legs every time one of us asked a question led to unrivalled interest in her subject and fifteen pairs of crowded trousers. Her board work was legendary. The writing of the date in the top right hand corner raised her skirt a further four inches, although Brian Banner taking his life in his own hands once claimed to have recorded five inches. We put this down to the fact that the ruler he was using was almost as excited as we were. But I digress………

No supply teacher had appeared and talk turned to the latest appearances of Bolan, Bowie and SWEET on Top of the Pops, and the latest pictures in the music press were spread before us. Blockbuster had just gone to number one and The Jean Genie was also doing well. But the main topic of conversation was about just what it was it Steve Priest was saying when he appeared to cock up the "hook" line half way through 'buster - we just hadn't got a clue! The girls for once not playing second fiddle to Mrs Harvey's thighs were pouring over the make-up that SWEET were wearing. The general feeling was that Steve was wearing false eyelashes. I said it was just mascara. One girl, Roxy Mason I seem to recall, wearing a trevira two tone jacket with go-faster pockets, had a pair of false lashes with her and proceeded to apply them to your humble narrator. Things were going well and I sat patiently as they compared Steve's photo with myself.

What the final decision was I cannot recall, but things started to get a little out of hand; something that never happened with Mrs Harvey in the room! Brian Banner was given a severe backcombing by Karen Swancott and this produced a most creditable Ian Hunter from Mott the Hoople. Davey Coke's SWEET fringe had been converted into a "Cassidy Curtain" and Big Will Willets had his hair in curlers made from pen tops preparing to emerge as the lead singer from Slade; although his Levi Sta-Prest trousers and button-down Ben Sherman shirt were a little restrained for a real Noddy impression.

I can't say we were particularly talented, and I doubt Cream would have been too concerned had they heard us, but our new super-group gave a rendition of Blockbuster that will stay with me forever. I had just delivered what the consensus agreed was: "W..W..We just haven't got a Clarbrow!" and Russell McKee had just leaned over to blow a kiss in my ear like Andy Scott had on Top of the Pops when in walked pure evil. It took the form of a shambling mound called Mrs Jones and she was able to instil exactly the opposite effect that Mrs Harvey had in an instant.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded of 'Noddy' with a voice that made fingernails dragged down a blackboard sound like Andy singing Dream On.

"What have you done to that shrub you call hair?" she yelled at 'Hunter'.

When she turned to me she just looked. Then she looked at Russell, who I now noticed was wearing a strange purple shade of lipstick. She suddenly spun around, kick-started her broomstick and flew off to the staff room where we later learned she found Mrs Harvey and Mr Mallard tarrying err long in the stock cupboard and gave them a right going over. This was the second going over Mrs Harvey had had in as many minutes, but she'd enjoyed the first far more than the tongue lashing she received from Jones.

I myself breathed a sigh of relief at not being cursed by Jones. I wondered why I had escaped the poisoned barb of her whip like tongue. Certainly Brian was so affected that he was no use to Lorraine for days and Big Will could have been done under the trades descriptions act! I found out why a few days later. My mother was duly summoned to the school and was informed that her only son had been found wearing make-up, false eyelashes and being kissed by another boy. A boy so deviant that he had applied purple permanent marker to his lips before doing so. Mother returned home having informed the Headmaster that it was not her little boys' fault if other chaps found him attractive. And as for the make-up? Well you should have seen him when Wig Wam Bam was in the charts.